"Not much in my life requires faith. I intentionally construct my life that way: do things I know I can do, with means I have, in territory familiar to me. But isn’t God saying that to please Him we need to live in this wild leap of faith?"
Normally, I would not describe myself as someone who struggles with fear. I {try to} live life to the fullest, am more of a risk-taker than most, and do not generally have a hard time when asked to make big life decisions. However, just recently the Lord has lifted a veil from my eyes to reveal ways that I subconciously structure my life so that I do not have to face fears that are lurking beneath the surface. I've realized that if I am not facing the fears, I am choosing to be ignorant of them. So, subconciously, I am actually giving Satan free reign to affect the decisions I make on a daily basis, simply because I do not want to face the fears that he slyly hides in the corners of my life. I have always had the perspective that if I am living in fear, then I am not living in faith. However, this blogpost has changed my perspective a bit and made me realize that the first step to living in faith is shedding light to our hidden fears, and living wildly in the midst them.
Scenario: Parents are in town for Thanksgiving. They ask if I would be interested in taking a trip to Nicaragua in February. My immediate rely: Heck yeah. No second thoughts. Why would I not want to go see my dear friend Celtina whom I have not seen in 7 years? Besides, I've just found out I'm pregnant...when am I ever going to have another opportunity like this once I have a child?
Mistake #1: Forgot to discuss the idea with the Husband prior to making a {heck yeah} commitment. Oops. I probably could have avoided all of what is discussed below, had I sought his advice from the beginning. Which is why God gives us spouses- to talk sense into us before we make foolish decisions. Thankfully, God is gracious and found another way to talk sense in to me in the end.
So, plans moved forth for the trip, we got excellent prices on tickets, started making plans...and then Mom and Dad called and said they were concerned about safety in Managua and the surrounding regions. My response: Safety? Since when has the factor of "safety" ever affected a decision I've made? I mean, if you are worried about "safety" aren't you lacking faith in God's provision? I didn't say that {of course}, but we decided to leave it that we would all pray about it for about 5 days, and reconvene on our decision to move forth.
And then a shocking thing happened: I woke up the next morning and realized,
"Wait...I am pregnant. If something were to happen to me, I don't know Spanish, I don't know or trust the medical system in Central America, and I'm not certain that I would be able to make it back to the US in a timely manner to have my
needs urgently addressed."
Where was this voice coming from? It's certainly not my own! I've never had such absurd thoughts before. I am obviously lacking in faith of God's sovereignty. He can take care of me. And if something should happen, that is His sovereign will for me. But this thought would not leave me all during my prayer times throughout the week.
When I talked with my parents at the end of the week, they had come to the conclusion that the safety statistics were probably blown out of proportion and they felt it was still okay to go... and I had come to the conclusion that the Lord was calling me to surrender this trip. My heart ached and I can not tell you how I toiled over the decision. I vassilated back and forth,
misjudging the still quiet voice that was consistently leading me in a direction I did not want to go. In the end, I believe I finally got to the root of it:
My biggest fear was not that I could have pregnancy complications while overseas. My biggest fear was that if I did not go NOW, at this time, I would never have the opportunity to see my dear friend again.
So, that which I thought was my deepest fear was actually a discretionary whisper form the Lord. And that which truly was my deepest fear was something I did not even know existed in my subconcious. And isn't that just as much doubting the Lord and His sovereignty as it is to say, "I'm not trusting Him with my safety and the safety of my baby"? I mean, if God is who He says He is, He can just as well orchestrate another time for me to go see Celtina right? Why is it easier for me to jump into a risk-taking scenario than it is for me to wait for His perfect timing?
And then I realized: I have misidentified what my true fears really are.
Sometimes it is easier to appear to be living a radical life of faith while being completely motivated by hidden fear. Until I ask Him to enter in {and actually welcome the whisper that follows} I remain completely oblivious to lurking sin, and thus completely blinded to His discretionary words of wisdom.
So, that is what I have been grappling with the past few weeks. Again, a question I keep being forced to ask myself in different scenarios:
What is my motivation? Is it Faith? Or is it Fear?
What I am learning through it all is that the recognition of our deepest fears actually releases us to then step out in faith. I pray that you would take the time this week to evaluate what is truly driving the little decisions you make on a day-to-day basis. And ask the Lord to reveal where fear in your life is lurking beneath the shadows. Also, if you ask your spouse, so I've learned...they actually may have a few words of insight that you hadn't thought of before. Who knew? Haha:)
"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen...And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him. By faith Noah, being warned by God concerning events as yet unseen, in reverent fear constructed an ark for the saving of his household. By this he condemned the world and became an heir of the righteousness that comes by faith." ~ Hebrews 11:1, 6-7
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