Am I Waiting on God? Or is He Waiting on Me?

And here I am. NOT pregnant as I thought I was, and NOT ovulating as I thought I had. If I was humbled by the thought that God had chosen to bless us with another child, I am even more humbled now as I realize that everyday I must come to him for my joy, my strength, and even my desire to press on.

I confess to you, Lord, that I still struggle with trying to be in control, with exerting my own will and trying to make my own plans. When you change my plans, rather than coming to you to seek what your plan might be for my family, I just rearrange my plan and make another one. Why do I do this? I know that at the root of every sin of mine is Pride, this idea that I have everything under control. Sure, things don't always go my way, but I can at least hold it together for the most part. I confess that I think I'm really stellar at planning my future. I've done that really well for the last 10 years. Have things gone as I planned? not exactly. I feel like I'm continually placed in this holding pattern...this perpetual Waiting Room. What do I do while sitting in this Waiting Room (just like all waiting rooms I have to sit in?). I PLAN. I make lists. TO-DO lists. Lists to get me from here to there, and there on to the next step. I think about what I'm going to do when I get out of this Waiting Room...and what I'm going to do to get me out of this Waiting Room!

Pondering this a little more, I think I've really given little thought as to why I'm actually in the Waiting Room to begin with. Ironically, when placed in another holding pattern, one of the first questions I ask is "Why? Why God? Why again? Didn't I wait long enough in the last one?" I build myself up saying "I can do this...I've sat in these spiritual waiting rooms plenty of times. I'm getting really good with being patient with God, I memorized those verses on waiting on the Lord and tucked them in my heart for just a time such as this! now where are they again...??"

But now I'm starting to wonder if these perpetual Waiting Rooms are really what I've thought they've been all along...Am I waiting on the Lord? Or is He waiting on me? Lately, I've felt like I'm as spiritually dry as a non-salted cracker. I don't desire to be in God's Word. I don't hunger and thirst for righteousness. I don't seek out the place of dependency on His Spirit. Is He actually waiting for me to turn back to Him? Is He waiting for me to remove this protective armor of self-reliance and lay it at the Cross? Well, I won't! (you see, stubbornness comes with pride) How can I? I would be completely vulnerable. The "what-if's" would consume me...what if He doesn't give us more children? what if my husband doesn't pass his boards or find a job? what if we can't pay off our loans? what if our site visit in January doesn't go as planned? What if we can't raise support to get to the mission field? what if infertility prevents us from going? Right now, I've got a {pretty solid, if you ask me!} plan to answer all these questions. I've got life figured out so that these fears do not become a reality.

But what if the Waiting Room is really not about what it appears to be about? What if it's not about my circumstances, but about my spirit? What if the Waiting Room (and all my circumstances themselves) are really there to lead me back to dependence on Christ for my very existence? It can only happen when I lay these plans at the Cross (...and leave them there, that's the hard part). There is only so much my arms can hold. In order to cling to the Cross, I have to let go of Pride. In order to let go of Pride, I have to cling to the Cross. How will I ever do both? I think the answer is JESUS. my mediator. the one who saved me must be the one to sanctify me.

Thank you, Father, for sitting in this waiting room with me. Your patience with me is perfect. I am so quick to deny you, to forget you, and to crucify you all while saying, "I'm waiting on the Lord." It must be YOU who leads me back to YOU, and so I ask that through the grace you have given me in Christ, that You would lead me there, helping me shed my armor of pride along the way, and to take up Your spiritual armor in Christ. I thank you that your mercies with me are new every morning.

A Day for Pondering, A Day for Feasting, A Day for Storing Up

Today is a day for pondering: Is God really good? And do I trust Him? Really trust Him? With my future, my children's future, the wellbeing of my family, with everything? What if His best for me is my own brokenness? What if His goodness is most manifest in the seasons of waiting? What if what I ask of Him is really what I fear the most?

My husband and I are praying about where the Lord would have us serve on the mission field. The reality of our departure daily grows from being a hazy vision in the future to a clear reality fast approaching. One door has been presented, and we wait to see if the Lord will actually open it. We are in a holding pattern until Derek is finished with school (December), and then we will make a site visit to gain a better understanding of the ministry there. Hopefully the Lord will make His will known clearly. However, as the days grow ever closer I find myself fearing what His answer may actually be.

So many questions are running through my head today...and I wonder how we are going to do it. Here, there, or anywhere. Thankfully, God's word is a respite to my soul and I am reminded again and again that, "man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God" (Deut 8:3) and "sufficient for the day is its own trouble" (Matthew 6:34) In reading His Word I find my answer: In the waiting I must feast, for the famine is at hand. I must be treasuring up the Word of God, storing in my heart for the days that lure me to forget. I found this method of Scripture memorization that takes a different approach than what I have tried before, and I appreciate it's emphasis on long-term retention. Not only do I need God's Word to be shaping me for today, I need it to be planting seeds for tomorrow.

Oh, and here is a good video I found that confirms in my heart why we must go. (Remember to turn off blog music before playing video).

The Sabbath is for Giving Thanks...

1. ...for the still quiet morning that beckons my heart to draw near and listen to His voice...

2. ...for the sweet sound of fresh coffee brewing, the aroma clearing the fog from sleep and stirring my thoughts to life

3. ...for the sun rising and reminding me of the beauty and new beginning that each day holds.

4. ...for the manna God provides my little one through the sustenance of her mother's milk.

5. ...for the sweet reminder from Scripture that "...man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of God." (Deut. 8:3)

6. ...for the ability to enter into another one's suffering, to be a part of their story, and to share joy where there might otherwise be only despair.

7. ...for the gift of being able to find the words I want to say and convey my thoughts clearly; to be heard and understood.

8. ...for the chance to hold a withered fragile hand, and for a moment consider all the lives it must have touched.

9. ...for the gift of my sweet baby girl to have the undivided attention of her daddy, and for that daddy to know that he is all the world to the sweet baby girl.

10. ...for the kiss of the one I love at the end of a long hard day, and for the arms that remind me that God is truly good.

"I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will recount all of His wonderful deeds."

~Psalm 9:1

The Significance of Chickens Clucking

I decided to lay out in our back yard today while Lucy was sleeping since it was such a beautifully sunny afternoon with a cool breeze blowing through. While I was laying there with the straw grass prickling me, something unexpected happened: I heard the clucking of chickens! Chickens? Really? {Although I'm not too surprised...this is Moody, AL}. Anyway, I immediately had this deja vu feeling, sort of like how certain smells instantly transform you back to another moment in time, and the memory is so vivid it could be re-occuring in real time. As I was laying there listening to these chickens cluck in the distance and feeling the breeze roll across my face, I was transformed back to the porch of a good friend of mine whom I lived with for a few weeks while I spent the summer in Nicaragua during my college days. She is Celtina, and I have blogged about her before here. It was a sweet memory, absent only of the smell of fresh mango and limeade that accompanied it back then. And I was thankful that God has given her to me as a friend, and for the ministry that He has given her to orphans and street children. She mentioned in her email to me this week to pray for her as she had a 12-year old girl come to stay at their children's home last week who is 7-months pregnant by a 70-year old man who had abused her. I can not imagine the emotional trauma of this situation, or what Celtina and her husband Misael must be facing as they contemplate adopting the infant as their own once this child gives birth. The girl wants to return to her family following the delivery, and she wants nothing to do with the baby as she is a painful reminder of the abuse she endured. And to think that Celtina has befallen upon this tragedy in the midst of providing a home for 9 other children who have horrific stories of their own, and 30 who come to her house each day for the only meal they will eat that day. There are no formal grief counseling centers or child psychologists to help these children cope. There's no medication or post-traumatic stress treatments to offer. Just her, her husband, and their sweet 2-year old Patrick, who love the Lord and are simply being obedient to his commands of loving His children well. I don't know how she does it on a daily basis, how they make ends meet to provide for these children, or how she handles situations like this one that are just dropped before her like a bomb. And those were my thoughts as I was lying there in the grass hearing the chickens cluck in the distance. And I was thankful that God uses little "interruptions" in our day to remind us of His goodness despite the plethora of tragedy in this world. I only hope that one day this 12-year old girl will also be sitting beneath the sun feeling the breeze upon her face, and when she hears the chickens cluck in the distance, she will be reminded of God's goodness to her in the midst of this terrible tragedy in her life. What connects me to her is not the chickens clucking, but our friend who is obedient to our Lord. For that, I am thankful. And I hope that one day the Lord will use me in such a mighty way as He is using Celtina.

24 Hours

In the last 24 hours...

I have sat outside and enjoyed the sun, planted an herb garden, watched my husband hang our first swing for our daughter, swung her in it and watched her squeal with delight. I've made fajitas, I've made macaroni and cheese, I've made homemade granola, and I've sewn some kitchen curtains. I've taken a bubble bath, I've mopped floors, I've shown off my adorable little girl to every elderly person shopping in Publix, I've taken a family walk through our neighborhood, I've held the hand of my husband and listened to how his day was.

In the last 24 hours...

A mom {just like me} has been unable to find diapers for her little girl. But that's the least of her worries because there also is no grocery store to buy food, no electricity to protect against freezing temperatures at night, and no roof to cover there heads or shelter them from the storm. They say the radiation levels would have to be hundred times higher than what they are to cause harm, but this mom also knows that the little ones are most susceptible to long-term effects from exposure. She has probably been separated from her husband, and she probably has no idea whether she'll see her relatives ever again. Every blessed picture of her little one is gone, every keepsake she's held dearly onto her whole life is ruined...there is nothing to return to. And every shockwave that hits reminds her of the horror from March 11, 2011; the day that changed history and re-wrote her lifestory.

In thinking about the dichotomy that exists between what the last 24 hours have held for me, and what the last 24 hours have held for my fellow mother in Japan, I have come to realize that the time and material things I have been blessed with have not been given to me for my own enjoyment, but they have been lent to me for the enjoyment of others and the glorification of Christ. What saddens me the most about that mother's situation is the hopelessness and helplessness she most certainly feels. With less than 1% of Japan's population professing believers, she may have never heard the name Jesus, much less know the hope and joy that can be found in Him alone. All she knows is that all she had is all the way gone. Who is going to tell her? Who is going to wrap a blanket around her and give her a warm meal, provide food for her baby, and help her find her husband? After all the emergency relief work has gone home, who is going to help her find her relatives and help her rebuild her life? Who is going to help her make sense of all the chaos? Who is going to sit and answer her questions about how a good and loving God could allow something so horrific to happen? Who?

This post is entitled 24 Hours because that is all that we have. Our life is composed simply of a set number of 24 hour increments that we are given the liberty to choose how to spend. We never know when our increments are up, and we never know when we will be asked to give a reckoning of how we have spent them. When it does, where will you be standing? And what will you be holding? I'll leave you with a quote I heard on Moody Radio today that has stuck with me and that I plan to mull over in the next few days:

"The only thing you can keep in this world is that which you give away."

"But how are they to call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, 'How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!" Romans 10:14-15

*Addendum: For information on how to give towards reputable relief efforts, check out the links below:

Asian Access

CRASH Japan

SEND International

World Vision

Life Honoring Life

Last night we celebrated my mother's 60th birthday by starting a new birthday tradition (you know we are all about new traditions in my family!). For a few years now we've been doing the tradition of going around the table and everyone asking the Special Person questions that provoke insight into the uniqueness of that individual, as well as draw out memories from throughout that person's life (ie: What was your favorite vacation growing up?, what was your best memory from childhood? etc etc). Last night we added to that a short tribute reading that everyone had written to honor that person and let them know what they had learned from that person's life. Although I do not remember exactly what everyone else wrote, here is the tribute I wrote for my Mom:

One thing I have learned from Mom in the last year, and in all her years is to stop constantly looking for greener grasses. Instead, get out there and pick your weeds, fertilize your dead brown grass, and water the heck out of whatever dry season of life you happen to be in. By and by, your circumstances may not change...but YOU WILL. And after a while, the clouds begin to clear and faintest sign of life begins to creep up. And before you know it, you'll look out at your little plot of land and and say with amazement, "Look at that beautiful crabgrass! Have you ever seen more lush green grass in your life? And those dandelions...aren't they the prettiest of all God's wildflowers? What a glorious day it is!"

Thank you, Mom, for teaching me to seize every moment of life with passion and living this life to its fullest! We love you and are truly grateful for the godly woman God has put in all our lives!

Love Wins: Either You Believe the Gospel or You Don't

Without jumping to conclusions, I'd like to express my first impressions after viewing Rob Bell's promotional video for his new book coming out March 29, Love Wins: A Book About Heaven, Hell, and the Fate of Every Person Who Ever Lived. After a short anecdote regarding the eternal destiny of Ghandi, Bell opens up a litany of questions that pointedly show his true skepticism (rather than belief) in the Biblical Gospel. And yet, as I heard Bell ask these questions, there was some sort of vague familiarity to them. I pondered over where I had heard that skeptic tone before and realized that it originated right from the Bible, in Genesis 3 to be exact! When Satan was tempting Eve to walk away from the Lord, He didn't use statements. He used questions. Questions that pointed the human race away from faith and towards their own logic. And we've seen where that has gotten us today.

Secondly, when the Pharisees were trying to find a loophole in Jesus' claim to deity, how did they do it? They asked questions. These weren't naive questions asked blindly (as the disciples often asked), but shrewd and skeptic questions trying to "catch him in contrast to the Law". And how did Jesus respond? He pointed them back to the Law with which they were attempting to judge Him. Of course, they were often left tongue-tied because in reality, Jesus is the Fulfillment of the Law, a concept that the Pharisees back then as well as skeptical scholars today are still unable to grasp.

With the help of Denny Burk, I'd like to answer Bell's questions from the view of Scripture, rather than take the approach of answering them from the logic of man (which I am assuming Bell does in his forthcoming book). This information was quite helpful for me in seeing how Truth defends Truth, and in the end, trumps logic. So, without further ado, Burk's answers to Bell's questions:

1) Bell: Gandhi’s in hell? He is? And someone knows this for sure?

Answer: The Bible teaches that there is no other name given among men by which we must be saved (Acts 4:12). The Bible also teaches any person who does not believe in Jesus falls under the judgment of God (John 3:18). Anyone (including Gandhi) who refuses to trust Christ alone for salvation will die in their sin and will not be able to follow Jesus into eternal life (John 8:21).

2) Bell: Will only a few select people make it to heaven?

Answer: Yes, that is true. Jesus taught that a select number of people would make it to eternal life. Most people will choose the broad way that leads to destruction, but a few will choose the narrow way to life (Matthew 7:13-14; Luke 13:23-28). Nevertheless, the Bible also teaches that there will be a great multitude which no one will be able to count, from every nation and all tribes and peoples and tongues, standing before the throne and before the Lamb (Revelation 7:9).

3) Bell: And will billions and billions of people burn forever in hell?

Answer: I don’t know if anyone knows what the exact number will be, but the Bible teaches that at the end of the age there will only be two groups of people: those whose names are written in the Lamb’s book of life and those whose are not. All those whose names are not written in the book will be thrown into the lake of fire. This will no doubt be a countless throng of people (Revelation 20:10-15).

4) Bell: And if that’s the case, how do you become one of the few? Is it what you believe? Or what you say? Or what you do? Or who you know? Or something that happens in your heart? Or do you need to be initiated or baptized or take a class or be converted or be born again? How does one become one of these few?

Answer: There is nothing that any person can do to be counted among the saved. Salvation from the penalty of sin is all of grace. God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son so that whoever believes in Him might not perish but have everlasting life (John 3:16). God offers us His Son, and the only way to receive Him is by faith. Jesus said it this way, “This is the work of God, that you believe in Him whom He has sent” (John 6:29). If you want to become one of the few, then you have to trust in Jesus alone for your salvation.

5) Bell: And then there is the question behind the questions. The real question: What is God like? Because millions and millions of people were taught that the primary message, the center of the gospel of Jesus, is that God is going to send you to hell unless you believe in Jesus. So what gets subtly sort of caught and taught is that Jesus rescues you from God. But what kind of God is that that we would need to be rescued from this God?

Answer: What is God like? This is the ultimate question and how one answers this question will determine how all the others get answered. God is holy. He loves righteousness, and He hates sin. He is the most valuable, precious being in the universe. He is worthy of all our worship, devotion, and obedience. All people fall short of their obligation to love and worship God, and this falling short is called sin (Romans 3:23). Through our sin, we all have earned God’s just sentence of death (Romans 6:23). In fact, God says that He is angry with those who do not repent of their sin. The Bible says that God is storing up His anger for impenitent sinners (Romans 2:5) and that it will be a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of an angry God at the judgment (Hebrews 10:27, 31). The Bible teaches that God is both the treasure of heaven and the terror of hell. God will punish His enemies.

6) Bell: How could that God ever be good? How could that God ever be trusted? And how could that ever be good news?

Answer: You are asking how can God be good if He sentences sinners to eternal damnation, but I think you have the question backwards. The real question is how can God be good if He doesn’t send sinners to judgment. In other words, how can God be good while forgiving sinners? This is the question Paul wrestled with in Romans 3, and he concluded that God set forth His son Jesus as a propitiation for sin. That means that all of the wrath and anguish that would have taken us an eternity in hell to endure, God poured out on His Son in the moment of the cross. God is good because He settles our sin debt in the cross of Jesus Christ, our substitute. This is good news because God clears away guilt through the cross and offers eternal life through the resurrection of Jesus. Anyone who believes in Jesus in this way can have forgiveness and eternal life. This is more than good news; it’s the best of news.

7) Bell: This is why lots of people want nothing to do with the Christian faith. They see it has an endless list of absurdities and inconsistencies, and they say, “Why would I ever want to be a part of that?”

Answer: Sin will always appears as a trifle to those whose view of God is small. If you were to discover a little boy pulling the legs off of a grasshopper, you would think it strange and perhaps a little bizarre. If the same little boy were pulling the legs off of a frog, that would be a bit more disturbing. If it were a bird, you would probably scold him and inform his parents. If it were a puppy, that would be too shocking to tolerate. You would intervene. If it were a little baby, it would be so reprehensible and tragic that you would risk you own life to protect the baby. What’s the difference in each of these scenarios? The sin is the same (pulling the limbs off). The only difference is the one sinned against (from a grasshopper to a baby). The more noble and valuable the creature, the more heinous and reprehensible the sin. And so it is with God. If God were a grasshopper, then to sin against Him wouldn’t be such a big deal and eternal punishment wouldn’t be necessary. But God isn’t a grasshopper, He’s the most precious, valuable, beautiful being in the universe. His glory and worth are infinite and eternal. Thus to sin against an infinitely glorious being is an infinitely heinous offense that is worthy of an infinitely heinous punishment. We don’t take sin seriously because we don’t take God seriously. We have so imbibed of the banality of our God-belittling spirit of the age that our sins hardly trouble us at all. Our sin seems small because we regard God as small. And thus the penalty of hell—eternal conscious suffering under the wrath of God—always seems like an overreaction on God’s part. If we knew God better, we wouldn’t think like that.

8) Bell: [You] see, what we believe about heaven and hell is incredibly important because it exposes what we believe about who God is and what God is like.

Answer: You couldn’t be more right. But I question whether the god that you are describing is the same One I am describing.